May 2001 | Eyesore

Commentary on architectural blunders in monthly serial.

This cartoon house facade comes right out of a major window and door manufacturer's catalog -- the kind that the house builders use every day -- so you can see from the supply end how clueless we are. Virtually every design choice in the picture is a botch. The porch soffit is too low. The wndows are poorly proportioned and placed. The trim is mingy. The muntins are obviously snap-in. The "harlequin" brick is intended to compensate for the poor proportioning of all the other elements. Anyway, it looks ridiculous as cladding only for the flattened bay window. The porch columns are too skinny, as are the balusters, which are also too high (no doubt because the building codes assume that everybody is a spastic and would fall off the porch unless the rail was hip high). All the machined frippery on the door broadcasts one message: cheap door. The landscaping -- cartoons of trees -- is the perfect finishing touch. The chief byproducts of houses like this are anxiety and depression.